Spinning my wheels - going nowhere fast.

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do and no matter how well you do it, you will never get to where you are trying to go? I wrote in a previous post about getting some projects done that I have put off but this isn't about that. This is about my job. I have been a federal government employee for over 20 years. In that time I have reassigned to different areas to avoid stagnation (is that a word?). This recent group that I reassigned to back in 2007 is shaping up to be my biggest failure in terms of my career. Here at my agency they have what is called a PMAP which is basically a performace review. It is based on several elements which usually do not change from one year to the next. Based on how well you perform each element you receive a numeric score. In the end, you will either be Exceptional, Fully Successful, Minimally Successful or Unacceptable. In this new group, I have never been more than Fully Successful. Please note that while we are told there is no official criteria for being rated Exceptional, there are a chosen few who seem to meet that level of performance on a regular basis (go figure). Anyway, that is not my issue today. My issue today is my score under fully successful. As I mentioned earlier, I reasssigned to this group in 2007. When I received my PMAP review in 2007, my score was 3.0 which is the lowest you can score in the fully successful range. Okay, I am new at the job so I will take that. This is coming from a position where I was exceptional so it is a pill to swallow but moving along. By 2008, I have learned to work independently on the same elements I had in 2007 but one new element has been added to address professional growth. Guess what my Fully Successful score is for 2008? A - 3.8 (a 4.3 is the highest you can get under Fully Scuccessful before they bump you to Exceptional) so I am on my way after just 1 year in this group, right? In 2009 my score drops to 3.0. Whoa!!! That is significant and I am doing the same work at the same level. I monitor this and wait. 2010 my score is 3.3 and I decide at this time to ask what is the requirement to get an exceptional? No criteria. I push back on the criteria and the way I am being scored. So, 2011 comes and I am presented with my review after being told that I am such a great employee and that I can be depended upon to get the work done. Mind you, in addition to my own work I have been assigned to help with other co-worker's work when they are overwhelemed. This is not because I have nothing else to do but because I flow through my work rather quickly - organization and a great team in the region is the key. My 2011 review scored me a 3.0!!! So, I am back to where I was 2 years ago, really? I take this to my superiors and question how they are coming up with this score. They suggest that maybe the elements are different - no. Perhaps it is because of the different reviewers - the PMAP is supposed to be standardized to prevent that from being an issue so - no. Then I am told that it is because I have not developed enough in the professional development element. You mean the area I talked to you about and explained that I cannot take time for that because I am constantly being assigned to help others? I call bull on this!!!! I push back and it is changed to 3.4 - giving more credit in the area I worked more in which caused less work in the professional development area. Why do I feel like I just went through a round with Sirius radio? Have you ever called them to cancel service only to have them offer you a better price for the same service only because you pushed back? Sorta makes you wonder, doesn't it? Well, I am gonna slow the wheels down since it seems pretty clear that my Performance review is very subjective. I guess a new reviewer will make the difference. SIGH....

Unfinished Business

As I am typing this I am thinking of all of the projects I have started and just didn't finish which is very unlike me. For the most part, it isn't that I lose interest or don't want to complete the project. I just become overwhelmed with how to get it done and then convince myself that it isn't going to work and I put it away. Well, now I want to complete the projects and put them out there and see what happens. Nothing beats a failure but a try, right? So, I will be finishing a book I started writing YEARS ago and self-publishing it. I will get all of my songs copyrighted along with the recorded melodies. I will find tracks to go with the songs and I will begin working on my demo. I will keep searching for and find a play to audition for (I really want to do The Wiz). It is time for me to start working on my deferred dreams. I am writing it down and making it happen. Wish me luck!

Just checking in

Oh boy. I keep saying I am coming back to bloggin and I drop off again. Anyways, it's holiday time and my birthday is tomorrow. I have been having a great time hanging out with my girlz and my sweetie. As usual, I have soent too much for Christmas but I love this holiday. I am headed out soon to get a pedicure and tomorrow will be a spa day-YEAH!!! I will come back soon...I promise.

Guess who's back????

Okay, I know I hardly had a blog and then I just dropped off. It wasn't because I didn't have alot to say. I just wasn't sure how creative i could be saying it. So, I am back (I think). Give me a minute to put my words together and hopefully I can get this ball rolling.

What to talk about?

Today at work we are getting laptops and the desktops are going to be donated to schools. Tomorrow I will be on my way to Miami for some sun and fun. I can't wait. This past weekend was jam packed with events.

Friday - I went to a 40th birthday party.
Saturday - I had a gig with the band in Silver Spring
Sunday - A cookout. Way too many folks. Why do people invite other people when they are a guest themselves?
Monday - Clean up from the cookout.

Back to today. I am having a hard time focusing on work today knowing that tomorrow I will be chilling on the beach. I guess that is why I am blogging...to kill some time. Did you notice I don't really have anything to talk about? LOL But since I said I would try to start posting again, I had to write something, right? I will post pictures when I get back.

Been So Long

Ooookay, so I have been gone for a long time. I read other blogs everyday but just didn't feel motivated to come back and post on my own. Call it laziness or lack of creativity but, I am going to give it a try again.

I feel the need to revive my blog with some "How Comes" because I am feeling them today...so here it goes...

HOW COME folks at work have their cell phones on audible so everytime the phone rings we all hear their music? We are at work! I know all phones have a silent/vibrate option.

HOW COME people who have work at your job longer than you ask you questions about things they should already know? How did they manage to go so long not knowing?

HOW COME some people are so consumed with negativity and need to share it with me on a daily basis? Did I give off a vibe that says I want to hear this bull?

HOW COME folks spend more time at work doing personal stuff and get pissed when they are asked to do something work-related?

HOW COME I am going to scream if this woman pops her gum one more 'gin?

HOW COME I STILL haven't lost that 10 pounds I talked about so long ago? I think this must be my new weight. I lose inches but the scale stays the same. Go figure.

How Come: Version I

Okay folks, it's been a while. Not that I haven't had much to say, just wasn't in the mood to share. I have been reading other blogs and I have found a way to get my thoughts out. Thanks to jusbutterfli at http://jusbutterfli.blogspot.com/

Anyways.... here we go!

How come every morning that I come to work this woman sitting in front of me is listening to the news on her radio and thinks that EVERYBODY wants to hear it?

How come this same woman plays the soap operas on her radio and I have to hear that too???

How come some kiss @$$ sent an anonymous letter to my director saying I take 1 1/2 hour lunches and 45 minutes walks regularly?Hello? How do you know what I am doing - you must be very busy working yourself. I didn't know we offered positions for the agency snitch.

How come people get indignant when they are wrong and you call them on it?

How come they apologize for it and then do it again? Am I the fool here?

How come no matter how much I walk and take classes I still can't lose 10 stupid pounds? Just 10!

How come Black women do not respect each other's relationships?

How come I can't make up my mind whether I want my hair to grow or not?

How come these folks sitting around me spend the entire day talking about absolutely nothing and they have the nerve to wonder why I would need a long lunch or break?

How come so many how comes are running through my head and I am trying not to write a book here.

How come it's okay when the man is tired and falls asleep before you get any but if you do it they get upset?

How come I have to stop this post because they are expecting me to do some work any minute now...lol

When your purpose in my life no longer exists...

I wonder how many folks have "people" in their lives just to say they know people? For me everyone that I deal with, and when I say deal with I mean they really in my life, are in my life for different reasons. They all bring something different to my life. That's why I have a very small group of people I deal with. When it becomes evident that they are just taking up space and bringing negative energy, I need to steer clear.

I say this because I have a cousin who has a close friend. They have been friends for years! They have been there for each other through alot of hard times. Today she tells me that she found out that this friend was running around telling all of her business to her co-workers. She is so upset and she don't understand why. I asked, are you upset with each other (not that this would make it okay) and she replied, no.

So, I say well what are you going to do? She says, nothing I just won't share any of my personal information with her anymore so she won't have anything to tell. She dont' want to say anything about it to her because it will start a big mess.

Now she plans to continue to hang out with this woman. I am sorry but I can't do that. You have betrayed my trust in you and you have now changed the dynamics of our relationship. I gotta back off of you!

What would you do?

Be Honest, Not Stupid!

I (like probably most of you) was always taught that "honesty is the best policy". As an adult I fundamentally believe that, but sometimes I question whether it is ALWAYS the best policy?

What happens when, you are in a relationship and you tell your partner about past relationships or about conversations with friends or about things yu have done (just sharing) and, at the time you tell them they just listen or contribute to the conversation like it's all good.

Then that dreaded day comes when he/she is in a bad mood, or is upset with you because of something totally unrelated and BAM! They throw all the things you told them back up in your face! "Yeah, I bet you would tell me anything just to get what you want, because that what you did to so and so". HUH?

Now, when this happens, it pisses me off. But later I am faced with do I stop being open and honest? Do I stop sharing? Which will change the dynamics of the relationship and also change me because I am the kind of person who is just naturally open. Or do I continue to be me and just risk the vomit (throwing it back up) that comes later? Or, a better question, do I need to just change my listener? Hmm......

COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MY REPORT ON DONNIE SIMPSONS' SON'S WEDDING!

I Ain't Saying I'm A Gold Digger!

I just finished my daily dose of Slish's blog post. I start my day reading his crazy stories and all of the funny/crazy comments that come with it. I recently created my own blog, at Slish's suggestion and guess who has inspired my first real post? Slish of course, so here it goes.

Thinking about what draws people to each other looks, money, sex, etc. got me to thinkin' about gold digging men (cause it ain't just the women). You don't believe me, let me tell you my story.

I met this guy several years ago and we hit it off instantly. He had a great smile, I loved the sound of his voice and he was very charming (do people still use that word?) Anyway, he sorta swept me off of my feet, so he became my man and I, his woman.

Now the sex was just okay in the beginning, but this brother was very willing to learn so in the years that we were together he became an expert at what makes me explode. So you ask, what's the problem, right? Well, I'm getting to that right now.

When we met he was working for a company that he said he had worked for for several years. He didn't say that it was through a temp agency (now I know that don't seem to be all that important, but just hold on). Well, after we were dating for about 2-3 months, that job expired. He says no big deal, I have money saved up until I find something else. I think he underestimated how long it would take to find something else because the money ran out and he was still unemployed. We are talking 6 months later! Okay, so by now we have been dating for about 8-9 months. Out of concern for him, I offer to loan him money for rent and even went a step further and said come stay with me so you don't have to be stressing about how to pay your bills (plus, I can't afford to loan you rent money every month, indefinitely). BIG mistake! We are now living together.

So, he finally gets a job and we agree to split the bills down the middle because you can't itemize how much electricty you use, etc. He decides later (after a bug gets in his ear) that he don't want to pay any money towards my mortgage because he can't get a tax write off for it? Huh? Then he decides he don't want to contribute to the phone bill because he gets and makes all his calls from his cell. Huh? Then his favorite line for every expense becomes, "well you make more than me so you should pay for it". Huh? Now, this is getting crazy but I don't want to argue about money so I say whatever, but my eyebrows are raised.

Fast forward to our last year together. We are engaged (I know some of you women are scratching your head on this one), and his car is about to die soon. Let me insert here, his credit is ALL JACKED THE F#$k up! For the entire time we were together I kept saying you need to pay that stuff off because it is affecting your credit and his line was ALWAYS, I will take care of it, it's not your problem (remember this line because it will change later). So, he gives me this speech about being his woman and how I should be able to help him whe he needs it. So guess what happens, after discarding my idea to buy a vehicle outright so there would be no car note (because he has bills he needs to pay to clear his credit) we go into a dealership and purchase a vehicle. I have to be the buyer because his credit is so bad they don't really want him on the loan but will agree to him being co-buyer on his vehicle. Second BIG mistake.

Just one month after the wedding he confronts me and asks, "why isn't my name on everything yet?" (Has your mouth fell open yet?) Hell, mine did. Everything like what? We're married so my name should be on everything, the house (that he didn't want to contribute payments to), all of the bills (including the phone he didn't want to pay because he uses his cell phone - that at that point was in my name because he couldn't get a plan - why? because of his credit), and all of my credit cards (cause he can't get any of his own). Well, before you ask what happened, we are now divorced! Ran to the court house exactly one year from the day he came to me with that bull$#it! Now, some of you may say, you ended your marriage for that? Wait, remember the line I told you to remember earlier........

....One day driving home I asked about the child support arrears that were on his credit report (the reason for the bad credit) and you know what he told me........sit down for this one! Listen to how the line changed.....

"Well, we are married now, so my bills are your bills, you should help me pay it" ($approx. $40,000 for two kids).

Now, I ain't saying I'm a Gold Digger, but I ain't messing with no broke, broke !@gga!
I ain't saying I'm a Gold Digger, but you ain't messing with no broke sistah! HOLLA, if you wit me!

Just the beginning!

I am just starting this blog so bear with me. More to come later!